Matrescence: Where the Support Gaps Really Are

Part 3 of a 3-part series.

Read Part 1: What Is Matrescence? and Part 2: How to Support Yourself Through Matrescence first if you missed them.

This is the third and final post in this series on matrescence (for now). To recap: I've been speaking about matrescence as the "awkward phase" of motherhood: the period from pregnancy into postpartum and beyond, capturing the extreme highs, lows, and everything in between that come with this transitional stage of life. It's a genuine time of deep self-reflection, as you begin to assess how different life looks now, and ponder how different it will keep being.

Two Distinct Phases: Before and After

There's a distinct "before" and "after" running through matrescence. Before: life before your baby arrives. After: anytime post-birth, when your responsibilities and priorities have seemingly shifted overnight. Nothing can fully prepare you for a transition this large but it matters that potential parents understand its scale, so they know roughly what to expect.

I want to be upfront that I'm writing from the perspective of mothers who carry a baby through pregnancy and go through birth themselves. Some of this will resonate for parents who become parents through a different path too, but this post specifically speaks to the pregnancy-birth-postpartum experience.

Mothers need a huge amount of support throughout this whole period and I want to name a few specific points where that support tends to fall short.

Where Support Is Missing: Conception

Before any pregnancy even begins, there's often a period of trying to conceive — whatever that looks like for the individual or couple. It can be extremely stressful and emotionally taxing: fertility struggles, time pressure, financial stress, family pressure, pressure between partners. All of it tends to land heavily on the person carrying the child, and on the couple as a unit.

We need to normalize seeking support from this earliest stage. Individual or couples therapy can make a real difference here. Having a dedicated space to talk through fears and work through practical stressors doesn't just help in the moment; it lays a sturdy foundation of holistic support for everything that follows.

Where Support Is Missing: The First Trimester

Pregnancy support generally picks up in the second and third trimesters — classes, courses, books, podcasts, therapy or coaching to help prepare. But the first trimester is often under-supported, largely because many parents choose not to share the pregnancy yet, out of fear of miscarriage or complications.

The first trimester can be one of the most gruelling parts of pregnancy — debilitating fatigue and nausea, while still expected to work and care for a family, largely in silence. I genuinely believe it can help to share the news early with a small circle of deeply trusted people — not everyone, but enough that there's real support in place from the start, including if complications arise.

Where Support Is Missing: After the "Fourth Trimester"

There's a reasonable amount of support during what's called the "fourth trimester" — the difficult first few months after birth. But that support tends to end abruptly right around the three-month mark, as though you're expected to have fully adapted by then.

That's unrealistic for most people. Some researchers define matrescence as spanning up to the first seven years of a child's life. Let that sink in and let yourself come to terms with needing real support for at least the first couple of years, and possibly still finding your footing six or seven years on. That's normal. That's okay.

Returning to Work

Many parents return to work around the three-month mark, especially in South Africa. A transition that can be genuinely anxiety-provoking for both mother and baby. Workplaces need to become more mother- and child-friendly, and there needs to be more real handholding through this shift. Where that's outside your control, focus on what is: setting whatever boundaries you can within the parameters you actually have.

Building on Your Village

Part 2 of this series covered the different forms of support worth building into your "village" — worth revisiting if you're unsure what kind of support you need right now. As a general rule, keep checking in with your own intuition. What you need will shift over time, and across how you're feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You deserve to be held and cared for, by yourself and by others.

Self-Care Isn't a Substitute for Support

Self-care matters and shouldn't be dismissed but it was never meant to replace support from other people. We have a primal need for connection, nurture, and care from others, and it's entirely normal to need that too.

Sometimes the people around you won't know how, or won't be equipped, to support you the way you need, which is exactly why it's worth learning to name your needs clearly and ask for them directly.

Joining a moms-and-babies group is another way to find that connection — being around others navigating something similar can make the whole experience feel less isolating, and gives you a space to talk openly about both the joy and the difficulty of motherhood.

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries, with both yourself and with others, matter here too, so you don't end up more stretched than you can hold. Learning to say no, and to use your voice when something doesn't sit right with you, is part of taking care of yourself through this period.

Practicing Self-Compassion

Finally: be compassionate with yourself, and don't hold yourself to expectations that no longer fit. Your capacity before and after pregnancy will have shifted, sometimes drastically — you can't expect the same output you had before. Adjust your expectations, be gentle with yourself, and help the people around you understand that too.

I hope this series has been helpful. If it resonated, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments — and if you'd like to stay connected for more reflections like this, my Monthly Love Letter is a lovely way to keep in touch. You can also find me on Instagram @therapy_with_annie